Stephanie talks to renowned pageant coach Valerie Hayes about life, the winning quality you need and how to succeed in pageantry...

Stephanie: You mention in your bio that your pageant coaching business developed almost on its own. Explain how that came about.

Valerie: My daughter was dancing at a local dance studio and the owner of the studio also owned a fabulous pageant boutique. She knew that I worked as a Director of Human Resources for a large corporation and she asked if I would work with one of her clients who was struggling with her pageant interview. Several people had been coaching the contestant on her interview, but she just didn’t seem to improve. I worked with her and took a completely different approach based on corporate training principles. She went on to win her local USA preliminary. Then she really got excited and worked even harder. She won her state USA pageant against several contestants who usually aced their pageant interviews and went on to place as a semi-finalist at Miss Teen USA. Shortly after that her pageant friends started asking me to coach them too. Before I knew it, what started as a small hobby business grew into the international pageant coaching business that it is today!


Stephanie: What, if any, are the commonalities between the corporate and pageant worlds?

Valerie: In the corporate world in order to continue being successful and to receive promotions employees must constantly develop and improve their skills. Everyone wants to be an Executive Director or Vice President, but it takes a willingness to learn, the ability to accept feedback, and a commitment to act on that feedback to become an executive. It’s pretty much the same in the pageant world. Every contestant wants to do well and to walk away with the crown. However, it’s the contestant that has the emotional courage to accept feedback, works to polish strengths and improve weaknesses, and develops a winner’s positive mentality that is ultimately successful. I bring all the coaching principles that I used in Fortune 500 companies working with executives to my pageant coaching practice. And to be honest with you, over the years I’ve been more impressed with the talent, motivation, and attitude of the contestants as compared to the high-level executives!


Stephanie: Is there a "mistake" or common error that contestants make?

Valerie: The most common mistake, and probably 80% of pageant contestants make this mistake, is to spend too much on their competition wardrobe and not enough on developing the skills necessary to win. Shopping for a wardrobe is the fun and exciting part of preparing for a pageant and it’s easy to get caught up in the moment. I can’t tell you how many contestants self-sabotage by running out of money early in their pageant preparation because they’ve been carried away shopping for their wardrobe. Contestants should spend at least as much on coaching as they do for the entry fee of their pageant. Pageant training might include an interview coach, a modeling coach, personal trainer, or lessons with a make-up artist. There’s just no doubt about it, contestants who invest in developing their pageant skills are ultimately the ones who leave wearing the crown.


Stephanie: Do winners possess a certain quality or trait?

Valerie: Yes, they absolutely do. Contestants are ready to win when their pageant skill mastery is equal to their ability to maintain a positive attitude during all aspects of the pageant. Some contestants have developed the necessary pageant skills but don’t have a winner’s positive mental attitude and ability to control their emotions during the competition. These contestants will consistently place, but will be frustrated because they never win. Other contestants will approach the competition with hope for a positive outcome, but have not spent time preparing for the competitive aspects of the pageant through hard work and self-discipline. These contestants will be disappointed because they rarely place, but will consistently compete over and over again because they enjoy the people they meet and the pageant experience. When a contestant can combine mastery of competitive pageant skills with a positive mental attitude and the ability to remain relaxed and focused during the pageant, she’s ready to win.


Stephanie: What advice would you give to someone who is just getting into or starting out in the pageant arena?

Valerie: Start out with a smaller pageant and once you decide you love pageantry work your way up to a larger pageant. Many first-time contestants start out by entering a big state pageant and overlook the many advantages of competing in a smaller pageant. Smaller pageants typically cost less, provide excellent experience, and can help you determine if you’re willing to invest the time and resources to compete in one of the larger pageants. Most beginning contestants underestimate the skills and investment it takes to win at one of the top pageants and they end up getting in over their head. My advice is to start small, get some good coaching, and then move up to one of the big pageants.


Stephanie: Is there any advice that you should have taken but didn't?

Valerie: I really can’t think of any advice that I should have taken, but didn’t. I have always believed in the value of life-long learning and am constantly challenging myself to learn and grow as a person. During my years in corporate America I was fortunate to have had several successful executives as mentors. Additionally, I’ve been blessed to have been surrounded by family and friends that provide valuable insight and suggestions. I’m a strong believer in listening too and then following great advice!


Stephanie: What did you once worry about that you don't anymore?

Valerie: When I first started as a pageant coach I worried that I wouldn’t have enough clients contacting me for appointments. Now I worry that I don’t have enough time on my calendar to accommodate all the appointments requests I receive! I’m in the process of developing a variety of self-study materials that contestants can use at home so they have the ability to work on their pageant skills when they can’t get a private coaching appointment. I really want every pageant contestant to have the opportunity to be pageant fab!


Stephanie: Do you have a daily ritual -- something you do each day?

Valerie: Stephanie: While I wouldn’t say it’s a ritual, the one thing that I definitely do each day is to focus on my short and long-term goals and consistently work towards them without giving up. Even if I can only carve out time do something small relative to my goal, I never stop inching forward. It’s been said that people have a tendency to overestimate what they can do in a week and to underestimate what they can do in a year. As a busy wife, mother, business owner, and community volunteer I find that by consistently chipping away at my goals a little every day I have created a lot of wonderful things in my life!


Stephanie: If you could sit down with anyone -- past, present, of future -- who would it be, what would you talk about and what's for dinner?

Valerie: That’s really a tough one for me. As a history buff it would be very difficult for me to choose between Elizabeth I, George Washington, and Theodore Roosevelt; who had completely different personalities but impacted history in extraordinary ways. However, since I believe Elizabeth I would be an evasive conversationalist and Theodore Roosevelt would spend the whole time dominating the discussion, I would probably select George Washington. I recently finished a biography of George Washington and was amazed by his dedication to duty during the Revolution War and his ability to keep the Continental Army together without weapons, clothing, or money to meet the basic needs of his soldiers. His commitment never waivered and he continued that level of service during his presidency. I would ask how he managed to maintain his vision and commitment to service during the difficult early years of the war. While I’m not sure what we’d have for dinner, I’m pretty sure we’d end with ice cream since it was his favorite dessert.


Stephanie: The world is searching for peace -- where do find yours?

Valerie: I find my piece in the small, precious moments of each day. Snuggling with my dogs (I have five toy poodles), eating dinner with my husband and children, chatting with good friends, and looking up at the stars at the end of the day. All too often people only focus on the big events, when life is primarily made up of the small daily events. Sure there have been big exciting moments; my appearance on CNN, the shows on MTV, my first live talk show appearance on NBC. But I find true peace by appreciating and celebrating the every day events which in so many ways are special and wonderful. If we can learn to appreciate the small moments and cherish them for what they are, then we can find peace in each and every day.

Stephanie & Kaye Lani Rae Rafko-Wilson

The Hunt 10 (plus 2)

Kaye Lani Rae Rafko-Wilson was crowned Miss America in 1988. Very recently, Kaye Lani agreed to share her thoughts with me on pageantry, life, and family.

Stephanie: You are the pioneer of platform issues in pageantry. How did this develop?

Kaye Lani: My first appearance as Miss America was in Portland, Maine at a convention center. There were about 5,000 people there who had waited up to 4 hours to see me and hopefully get an autographed photo. The event coordinator asked me to step onto the stage and “stall” the crowd a bit until it was time to begin the autograph session. I had never had any public speaking training and just tried to think of something to say. I began sharing my testimony -- my faith, my family, and my career goals for Nursing and Hospice. I was the 1st Registered Nurse to be crowned Miss America and this came in the middle of a nursing shortage in our country. My profession experienced a drop in the Baccalaureate Nursing Programs nationwide in 1985 and hospitals/healthcare facilities began feeling that shortage in the year I was given the Miss America title. I traveled our country and spoke to students of all ages (pre-school, elementary, Jr. High. And HS); I visited nursing colleges, hospitals/healthcare facilities; anywhere I could, to speak about my profession and encourage others to choose nursing as a life-long career. People listened and responded. The American Nurses Association commented that I single-handedly improved the nursing shortage through the “powers of the crown”, increasing visibility and awareness. The leaders of MAO were impressed and decided to make it mandatory for each contestant to have a platform. I recall saying to the board, “Do you really think I am the first contestant to enter this program with something to say?” It was unintentional on my part, but timing is everything!!

Stephanie: It changed the face of pageants in a very positive way. Did you have a pre-pageant ritual?

Kaye Lani: I would pray that God would give me the ability to be the best I could be at that moment in my life and to accept whatever his plan was for me.

Stephanie: You Tube carries video of your 1988 crowning as Miss America with approximately 12,000 views and your talent portion with approximately 9,500; both since 2006. Those are impressive numbers. As you look back on both of those moments what stands out the most?

Kaye Lani: Oh boy, that’s a tough one. I loved performing my talent and hearing the audience and my family cheer for me!!! I enjoyed performing on the stage and of course, loved dancing!! It was fun to bring Hawaii to the other side of the continental United States!! Of course, hearing the announcement; my name being called out; the chills and extreme shock: Like I as dreaming. One could never forget that moment. I still get the chills just thinking about it! Oh yes, and then the walk, the famous runway...wow! I think both of those times are at the top of my list!!!

Stephanie:  You are still very much involved in pageantry. You’re the Executive Director of Miss Monroe County. When and why did you become involved?

Kaye Lani: I began competing in this program at the age of 17. It is the only pageant system I have participated in. I loved working with the volunteers and the backstage hostesses at every level!! I just wanted to give back and be able to be a part of the future contestants. I hope I am able to make their experience of this program just as special as mine was. While it’s wonderful to receive a crown, a contestant has to be there for more than the rhinestone tiara. This is a learning opportunity; a chance for growth personally and professionally; a chance to improve communication skills and increase self-esteem and self-confidence. When you take advantage of opportunities which help you become a better person with a stronger foundation...then you have won your “title”!!

Stephanie: Keeping that in mind -- what advice or words of wisdom would you pass on to those close to you or following in your footsteps?

Kaye Lani: Life is so much bigger than what we see in front of us. Sometimes we want things to happen for us in our time. The only way one can truly find fulfillment is to recognize that while our goals and our timing can sometimes work out in a grand way God’s plan for us and his timing is always perfect!! We may find it hard to accept at first, be disappointed and that’s okay. Trust me when I say I have experienced it all; the high and the low and life is really more than that crowning moment in Atlantic City (and what a great gift it was!). Life is about appreciating your family and friends, enjoying the gifts given to us in order to help others and striving for the ultimate goal of rejoicing in his Kingdom.

Stephanie: Was there any advice that you didn’t take that you should have?

Kaye Lani: I suppose everyone has some advice given to them that they wished they would have followed. At this moment, I can’t think of anything I regret not doing or advice I regret not taking. I had great teachers in my life and I learned many things from them; about life and staying focused; grounded and most importantly, faithful.

Stephanie: You are very active in your community. What led to your involvement with Hospice programs in Monroe County and Gabby's Ladder?

Kaye Lani: When I practiced as a nurse (before Miss America), I worked on the Oncology/Hematology unit. While it was very rewarding watching our patients leave the unit in remission and never come back for additional treatments, we still watched others not survive the battles against cancer. I would always worry about how they were doing. I did not want to feel like I had failed them: It was medicine and technology that failed them. I decided to get involved with hospice and inquired about a hospice in Monroe. Unfortunately, my community did not have a hospice program, but Toledo, Ohio did. I began referring my patients to that program and told myself I would work hard on getting one in Monroe. After Miss America, I met a fellow nurse who helped me bring hospice services to the level it is today in my community of Monroe County! In 2000, two nurses came to me sharing the stories of children and their families who had gone through an unexpected death. We became aware that there was a grief support service needed for those suffering from the loss of a loved one due to a car accident, heart attack, suicide, drowning, and homicide, anything where the death was unexpected. We began serving children, teens, adults and families in 2001. I am currently the Co-Director along with one of the founders, Jan Baden.

Stephanie: You’ve led a varied life – what has it taught you so far?

Kaye Lani: A friend of mine, Bill Halamandaris, shared with me that there are really two (2) educations in life. One teaches you how to make a living, while the other one teaches you how to live. He shared a quote with me from Truett Cathey, the founder of Chick-Fil-A Restaurants. When asked to define the purpose of life, Mr. Cathey responds without hesitation that within the circle of giving and receiving lays the design of the universe. Contrary to what we are taught in business school, when we die, our net worth is not measured by all that we have received; after we die, our net worth is actually measured by all that we have given in our lifetime. Making a difference in a person’s life doesn’t take much effort, but the rewards are bountiful!! Through my personal experiences and of those of people around me, I have learned to appreciate the fragility of life. Leo Buscaglia once said, “Enjoy each day as if it were your last, because one of these times you will be right.”

Stephanie: So true. Do you have a daily ritual? Something you do each day without fail?

Kaye Lani: Kiss my husband and children, tell them I love them -- and pray!

Stephanie: Tell me one thing you used to worry about that you don't worry about anymore?

Kaye Lani: Most things, finances, living a long life. I have learned that life is a gift and to enjoy that gift I need to have faith. Faith is not just believing; it is trusting in God.

Stephanie: If you could sit down with anyone -- past, present, or future -- who would it be, what would you talk about, and what's for dinner?

Kaye Lani: It would be my brother Nick. He died 14 years ago and I miss him very much. I would ask him what Heaven is like; how was it when he arrived, seeing Jesus and our loved ones who have died. Is he with our dad and my son, Gabriel? Does he watch over us? We would have his favorite meal: our mother’s homemade pierogies.

Stephanie: Kaye Lani, everyone wants to find peace somehow. What is peace for you and how do you find it?

Kaye Lani: My life is very hectic -- crazy at times! I juggle many things and have much responsibility for many organizations. Peace for me is staying home with my family, curled up together on the couch after a home cooked meal. We might be watching a movie together, playing a game, or just talking. I would have a blanket wrapped around me with a cup of hot tea. Of course, the phone would be off the hook! :) It’s tough to find and yet it’s always available to me right in front of me. I need to force myself to grab it and sit back and enjoy it.


Miss Monroe County Pageant
Gabby's Ladder
National Hospice & Palliative Care Organization